Josh and I dated for almost 6 years before we tied the knot last June. I was so thrilled about being Josh’s wife and moving into our own place together and doing the married thing that I never stopped to really think about what that meant. We were going to be living together in our own apartment by ourselves away from all our family and friends.

Here’s what I wish I’d known and what I’ve learned since then.

1. They will eat all the ice cream

It doesn’t matter how many gallons are on sale and stocked in your freezer, you will get one scoop and the rest will disappear into thin air and the several ice cream stained bowls that crowd the game machine have nothing to do with your husband eating it all after you go to bed at night.

2. They don’t know how to clean sinks

They will shave their little faces in your shared sink and then not clean those weird beard hairs out of the sink or around the sink’s general area. It’s simply a task that is physically impossible for them. Fortunately some cats have been known to nap and spend time in sinks so the hair may eventually leave the sink and wind up on the floor.

3. If they’re not listening to you, they’re probably playing a video game

It doesn’t matter if you’re trying to seduce him or trying to tell him the roof is caving in—he’s not going to hear anything you say until his tank has blown up all the enemy tanks or captured the flag or whatever.

4. They don’t know how to use a dishwasher

They’re intelligent enough to assume that the dishwasher’s function is to wash dishes, but the fact that the dishes have to be inside the dishwasher and not in the sink or stacked on the desk somehow eludes them.

5. “In a minute” is no longer a standard measure of time

Probably due to reason #3, taking the garbage out, cleaning the dishes, scooping the litter box, coming to bed and any other number of chores will be met with this strange new time measurement scale which does not, in fact, mean 60 seconds after he responds. It could be any amount of time between right now and whenever you get around to asking again and the process may repeat itself until you threaten life and limb.

6. They need space in the dresser and closet

They may only own 7 t-shirts, 3 pairs of jeans, 10 polos, 6 pairs of dress pants, 3 pairs of shorts, and 8 undershirts but they will bring an entire drawer full of socks and underwear so they don’t have to do laundry for at least 2 weeks. And those items take up space, so you’ll have to squeeze your small collection of purses, shoes, scarves, blouses, sweaters, cardigans, jackets, coats, sun dresses, cocktail dresses, formal wear and your 75 t-shirts and 6 pairs of Norts into less drawers and less hanging space in the closet.

7. Recipes, instruction manuals, directions, etc. don’t really need to be followed

Instructions are really just someone else’s way of telling them they’re less of a man if they can’t figure out how to make risotto or build a media center with over 200 separate parts on their own. At most it’s a brief overview of what they already know, meant only to be skimmed over and then immediately placed into the trash.

8. The shingles virus can be stress induced

According to medical professionals, shingles can be induced by stress even at the age of 21. This stress can come from work, money problems, or an unhappy wife who would rather live anywhere else other than Florida and has been bottling those feelings up for the last several months. Who knew?

9. “I’m fine” is a legitimate feeling that people actually have

Being “fine” is an actual emotion that most people feel meaning “I’m doing ok and there’s nothing in the world that bothers me”. It is not, in fact, what most women have been using for years to mean “I will scratch your eyes out if you come within grabbing distance.”

10.  Being subtle is a waste of time

Going along with #9, men do not get the beautiful subtly that women spend years mastering. If you want a Kate Spade purse for Christmas, you are wasting your time dropping hints about how nice it looks, or how it would complement everything in your wardrobe, or pinning it to the “Dream Closet” board of your Pinterest. If you really want that Kate Spade bag, your best bet is to drag him into the store, point to the bag, and say “That’s what you’re getting me for Christmas, now pull out the Amex.” You don’t really like surprises anyway.

Now that I’ve said all that-

1. They will try really hard to cook something edible

Even though instructions are for pansies, they will try really hard to cook something delicious for you when you don’t feel like cooking or don’t feel well. Josh is the master of grilled cheese and pancakes at our house.

2. They will attempt to fix every problem you have (even if you can fix it yourself)

It’s pretty endearing (even if it’s slightly annoying) that they will want to fix every problem you have. They love you and have this almost instinctual need to protect you and keep you happy, so the fact that they are willing to spend time strategizing how to “fix” all your problems is pretty nice.

3. They’ll help you fold the laundry

If you ask nicely and all the tanks have been blown up, they make folding the laundry twice as fast.

4. They can carry all the groceries into the house in one trip (so help them God)

You may have a trunk full of groceries, but you’ll only need to make one trip up the stairs or they can’t call themselves men.

5. There’s someone else to clean the toilet

They may not know how to clean sinks or wash dishes, but putting some stuff inside the toilet and then swishing it around with a giant toothbrush thing is something they can handle well.

6. They will finally let you dress them

Because you now have the power to throw away those heinous cargo shorts, they will be forced to let you pick out new shorts or wear jeans all summer.

7. (On a good day) They will take the “Honey Do” list as a personal challenge to finish

10 things need to get done in the 2 hours you’ll be gone? Challenge accepted. It’s like a video game where you earn more than meaningless gold coins.

8. They will eat the food you make that isn’t very good and they’ll love it

If left to their own devices, cereal and ham sandwiches would serve as breakfast, lunch and dinner, so anything hot that they didn’t have to make themselves will automatically be the best thing they’ve ever eaten.

9. The bed will always be warm, even in the middle of winter

Men are like personal furnaces, so you don’t have to worry about frozen feet and frigid sheets anymore.

10. When you mentally and emotionally break down, there’s someone to help you pick up the pieces 

When you collapse in on yourself like a dying star because you’re stressed at work, the house is a mess, you forgot to defrost chicken for dinner, you decided you don’t look good with bangs, you broke a nail, and you live in Florida, there is someone to pick you up, tell you that you’re not a complete failure and they’ll remind you of how incredible you actually are– then promise to look for a way out of Florida and actually keep that promise.

I hope this sheds some light on what it’s like to live with a man for any of you single women who are thinking about moving in with a man or actually marrying one. It’s really not all that bad, as long as you remind them to shower.

–Mrs. Dominico

I’m a little late, but I’m linking up with Erica Jacquline for Listed Tuesdays!

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